It's the weekend of the annual joke show and here are the best:
“Knock, knock” “Who's there?” “Control freak - ok now you say control freak who?”
Martha Stewart has announced major policy changes and henceforth in all of her soups after boiling, she will no longer dump the stock.
Also from now on all of her recipes will serve six to eight.
They've been prepping Kobe Bryant for court. While working on his vocabulary, they discovered that he thought harass was two words.
What does Michael Jackson like about twenty-eight year olds?
The fact that there are 20 of them.
If Michael Jackson is charged with molesting one more child, he gets his own parish.
Why do Episcopalians always lose at chess?
They can’t tell the difference between a bishop and a queen?
The reason America is running low on oil is most of our oil is Alaska while most of the dipsticks are in Washington.
America is a land of opportunity where even the president of the United States can dream of one day being elected president of the United States.
Loudspeaker voice: “Boat #99 you have to return to the dock or we will have to charge you for overtime.”
Boss, we only have 75 boats.
Loudspeaker voice: “Boat #66, are you in trouble?”
Cannibals went to the wedding because they were told the guests would toast the bride and groom.
What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.
Quintuplets fly free under the frequent flyer program.
What is large, gray and doesn’t matter? Irrelephant.
Man who wrote the hokey pokey died at the age of 93. Everything went well until it was time to put him in his coffin. When they put the left leg in . . .
Shouted: “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the lake?”
Shouted back: “You are on the other side of the lake.”
I notice you have a stepladder.
Yes, I never knew my real ladder.
What is 40 ft long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.
Boss asked, “Who says that just because we sex at the office party, you don’t have to work hard around here?”
“My lawyer does," she replied.
Because of the recent unrest, they are closing all of the KMarts in Iraq and are replacing them with targets.
What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?
Are you walking or driving?
Driving.
That’s the quickest way.
How does the blind parachutist know when he is close to the ground?
The leash goes slack.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
We don’t know. They’ve never tried.
The pentagon knows that there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
They kept the receipts.
I’m afraid your uncle’s brain is dead but his heart is still beating. -
Oh dear, we’ve never had a liberal in the family before.
They think they will soon find Osama bin Laden.
The have found a place where you can buy your way in and no one can tell if you were there.
It’s the Texas National Guard.
Man goes into a bar in Montana and yells, “Every last Democrat is a horse’s ass,” whereupon everyone in the bar turns on him and beats him up.
After he gets out of the hospital he goes back to the same bar and shouts “Every last Republican is a horse’s ass,” whereupon everyone in the bar turns on him and beats him up.
As he’s being wheeled to the ambulance he asks, “Who are these people, anyway.” The driver says, “You don’t understand sir, this is horse country.”
There is a new bumper sticker that says “Run, Hillary Run!” Democrats are putting them on the back bumper and Republicans are putting them on the front bumper.
What do you call 50,000 geeks playing monopoly? - Microsoft.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Woman was heard praying, “Dear lord give me wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him and patience to understand him, because Lord if I pray for strength, I’ll just kill him.”
Some women want one man to satisfy their every need while some men want every woman to satisfy their one need.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About eight beers.
How do you force Unitarians to leave town?
Burn a question mark in their front yard.